3/4 review of the year.

first quarter 07: wtf.
second quarter 07: wtf.
third quarter 07: wtf.

2007 has certainly been a doozy. at just about every turn, things haven't turned out how i expected them too. sometimes bad, sometimes good, sometimes kinda in the middle. the latest turn has been totally unexpected, and bordering on totally amazing. i don't really want to ruin it by talking about it too much... but i'm excited.... if this is a trend for how the year is going to wrap up... this will be one for the record books.

sigh

i've never actually missed living there until now.

what the fuck

seriously, this is a fucking load of bullshit. what the fuck.

:/

so.... hmm.

packing. i have so much crap. i'm doing my best to throw out stuff that i obviously don't need anymore. i'm really trying to throw out as much as possible this time around,
trying to avoid my packratting.

sometimes i feel like i'm incapable of becoming friends with females for the sole purpose of being friends. granted, i have female friends. a bunch. but for some reason i feel like there are very very few of them that i became friends with for entirely plutonic purposes from the very beginning.

i want sushi for dinner, but should save money and eat some of the food i have in my house.
moving food seems kind of silly.

...

well... as if everything else wasn't enough, you just said the magic word.

my childhood

i will be eternally happy that george lucas was convinced to release the original theatrical versions of the original star wars trilogy on dvd. basically that means i don't have to worry about ever buying another copy of the star wars trilogy again, at least not until dvd's are totally phased out. after like 8 different copies, i'm getting a little sick of buying it.

albuquerque is where the cool kids live

f you santa fe. it was fun, but it's not anymore.

i will miss yin yang though.

peeps

recently i've been talking to 2 people fairly frequently. one is a friend from college that i go periods of time without talking to. but when we do reconnect, it is always nice, as we've always gotten along rather well. the other is a fairly new friend, we had hung out once or twice a while ago, she has a rather great memory (she remembered practically everything i had told her, even though our original meeting was rather unremarkable), and we've had a few exceedingly good communications. perhaps it's circumstantial, but sometimes it just seems easy to share with certain people.

i might have found an apartment.

i've also been listening to a lot of super raging music. that and southern rock. which sometimes can be pretty raging as well.

blarg

this situation is complicated.

i wish it wasn't.

man... this year...

this is a good laughing wtf

falling back into old patterns, it's like a piece of the puzzle was removed, and now it's been put back into place. brain wave sharing. i feel good. i feel like this time around we have a real shot at making this work, despite the distance. now we're on more solid ground. we know where we are... and it's weird that it doesn't feel weird. it just feels right.

and like that

there you are. i'm not sure where this leaves us. but we'll see where it goes. i feel much much better just knowing. i'm trying to not jump off the deep end quite yet. and that's probably a good thing.

edit: i'm trying to not emotionally jump the gun, but i can feel it already.

the strangest occurance of my life

you seemingly vanished into thin air.
it's like falling in love with a ghost.

the saddest songs ever

girl from the north country - bob dylan w/ johnny cash. dylan wrote the words, cash hits it home
eleanor rigby - the beatles. for someone who was criticized for being the more shallow of the beatles songwriting pair, mccartney absolutely knows exactly how to tap into every single human emotion.

can't shake it

see a short girl? think of you. see tattoos? think of you. dark hair? you. couples? you. anything possibly remotely relationship oriented? you. i buy records? you. work on my bike? you. get chinese food? you. listen to music? you. play music? you. go shopping? you. ice cream? you. pet my cats? you. wake up? you. eat? you. sleep? you. breathe? you. it's not something i think most people would understand.

stop.

so where do we go from here? what's next? life keeps moving, no matter how long you hold your breath. i don't know if i'm gaining any insight through all of this. hopefully i'm learning to be patient. hopefully. and hopefully what i'm being patient for still exists, but to be honest, i'm worried. sometimes. it's a strange thing how the brain works, 2 months ago i would've obsessed and dwelled until i went crazy. at least i'm not doing that now, i think i've realized that ultimately that doesn't do anything. life keeps moving, no matter how long i hold my breath. when we met, we quickly realized that our situation was out of our control, no one falls in love that quickly if they can help it, it was clear that it was bigger than us. fate? soulmates? so i guess that's where it sits now, it's bigger than us. so what can i really do, except just go on with life and wait. nothing good in life was ever easy. this has been one hell of a year.. often times lately i've been feeling very reflective, like "how will i view these years when i'm old?" or "what will i do if this doesn't work out?" i want to marry this girl, start a family, i don't know what else i could possibly want more, it's strange to think that way.

things i've downloaded in june.

eyehategod - dopesick
dillinger escape plan - miss machine
maps and atlases - trees, swallows, houses
coliseum - s/t
coliseum - goddamage
coliseum/young widows - split
neurosis - times of grace
nora - save yourself
unsane - scattered, smothered, covered
unsane - visqueen
108 - a new beat from a dead heart
isis & aereogramme - in the fishtank
neurosis - given to the rising
neurosis - enemy of the sun
darkest hour - deliver us
shapes and sizes - split lips, winning hips, a shiner
elo - elo's greatest hits
dream theater - train of thought
dream theater - scenes from a memory
pinback - pinback

blarg

indeed.

things i am feeling right now

extreme excitement at the fact that you SHOULD be back tomorrow.
nervousness that you might NOT be back tomorrow.

i feel like i'm in a surreal state of flux and uncertainty. it doesn't seem real that as soon as tomorrow i may be standing in the airport holding you in my arms. it feels like a dream. something that can't possibly be true. that's where the uncertainty stems from. if you're not back tomorrow, it's not the end of the world to wait a few more days. we've made it this long (2 months, 1 week, 1 day), a few more days isn't the end of the world. i'm just mentally preparing myself for you NOT coming back, so i'm not all sad if it doesn't happen. trying to not get my hopes all crazy.

operation: serotonin levels

walnuts. pineapple. bananas.

need to not be a depressed wreck when you get back.

she turned me into a newt.

i'm doing much better now. just because we aren't talking every day doesn't mean she doesn't love me. i know she loves me. and i love her so much. it took a few things for me to snap out of it. 1. i needed to realize that we were talking more than most couples do. especially more than most couples that are seperated by 2 time zones and 2000 miles. 2. for some reason i needed to convince myself that she loved me. i'm not sure what did it. but something clicked, and now i know. i'm not guessing. i'm not hoping. i know. today is our 2 month anniversary. she said something last night that i found really sweet and touching, she said "the first 2 months of forever." it's little stuff like that. it's just so perfect. this has definately been hard, but i love her so much. not being obsessive is good too.