3/4 review of the year.

first quarter 07: wtf.
second quarter 07: wtf.
third quarter 07: wtf.

2007 has certainly been a doozy. at just about every turn, things haven't turned out how i expected them too. sometimes bad, sometimes good, sometimes kinda in the middle. the latest turn has been totally unexpected, and bordering on totally amazing. i don't really want to ruin it by talking about it too much... but i'm excited.... if this is a trend for how the year is going to wrap up... this will be one for the record books.

sigh

i've never actually missed living there until now.

what the fuck

seriously, this is a fucking load of bullshit. what the fuck.

:/

so.... hmm.

packing. i have so much crap. i'm doing my best to throw out stuff that i obviously don't need anymore. i'm really trying to throw out as much as possible this time around,
trying to avoid my packratting.

sometimes i feel like i'm incapable of becoming friends with females for the sole purpose of being friends. granted, i have female friends. a bunch. but for some reason i feel like there are very very few of them that i became friends with for entirely plutonic purposes from the very beginning.

i want sushi for dinner, but should save money and eat some of the food i have in my house.
moving food seems kind of silly.

...

well... as if everything else wasn't enough, you just said the magic word.

my childhood

i will be eternally happy that george lucas was convinced to release the original theatrical versions of the original star wars trilogy on dvd. basically that means i don't have to worry about ever buying another copy of the star wars trilogy again, at least not until dvd's are totally phased out. after like 8 different copies, i'm getting a little sick of buying it.

albuquerque is where the cool kids live

f you santa fe. it was fun, but it's not anymore.

i will miss yin yang though.

peeps

recently i've been talking to 2 people fairly frequently. one is a friend from college that i go periods of time without talking to. but when we do reconnect, it is always nice, as we've always gotten along rather well. the other is a fairly new friend, we had hung out once or twice a while ago, she has a rather great memory (she remembered practically everything i had told her, even though our original meeting was rather unremarkable), and we've had a few exceedingly good communications. perhaps it's circumstantial, but sometimes it just seems easy to share with certain people.

i might have found an apartment.

i've also been listening to a lot of super raging music. that and southern rock. which sometimes can be pretty raging as well.

blarg

this situation is complicated.

i wish it wasn't.

man... this year...

this is a good laughing wtf

falling back into old patterns, it's like a piece of the puzzle was removed, and now it's been put back into place. brain wave sharing. i feel good. i feel like this time around we have a real shot at making this work, despite the distance. now we're on more solid ground. we know where we are... and it's weird that it doesn't feel weird. it just feels right.

and like that

there you are. i'm not sure where this leaves us. but we'll see where it goes. i feel much much better just knowing. i'm trying to not jump off the deep end quite yet. and that's probably a good thing.

edit: i'm trying to not emotionally jump the gun, but i can feel it already.

the strangest occurance of my life

you seemingly vanished into thin air.
it's like falling in love with a ghost.

the saddest songs ever

girl from the north country - bob dylan w/ johnny cash. dylan wrote the words, cash hits it home
eleanor rigby - the beatles. for someone who was criticized for being the more shallow of the beatles songwriting pair, mccartney absolutely knows exactly how to tap into every single human emotion.

can't shake it

see a short girl? think of you. see tattoos? think of you. dark hair? you. couples? you. anything possibly remotely relationship oriented? you. i buy records? you. work on my bike? you. get chinese food? you. listen to music? you. play music? you. go shopping? you. ice cream? you. pet my cats? you. wake up? you. eat? you. sleep? you. breathe? you. it's not something i think most people would understand.

stop.

so where do we go from here? what's next? life keeps moving, no matter how long you hold your breath. i don't know if i'm gaining any insight through all of this. hopefully i'm learning to be patient. hopefully. and hopefully what i'm being patient for still exists, but to be honest, i'm worried. sometimes. it's a strange thing how the brain works, 2 months ago i would've obsessed and dwelled until i went crazy. at least i'm not doing that now, i think i've realized that ultimately that doesn't do anything. life keeps moving, no matter how long i hold my breath. when we met, we quickly realized that our situation was out of our control, no one falls in love that quickly if they can help it, it was clear that it was bigger than us. fate? soulmates? so i guess that's where it sits now, it's bigger than us. so what can i really do, except just go on with life and wait. nothing good in life was ever easy. this has been one hell of a year.. often times lately i've been feeling very reflective, like "how will i view these years when i'm old?" or "what will i do if this doesn't work out?" i want to marry this girl, start a family, i don't know what else i could possibly want more, it's strange to think that way.

things i've downloaded in june.

eyehategod - dopesick
dillinger escape plan - miss machine
maps and atlases - trees, swallows, houses
coliseum - s/t
coliseum - goddamage
coliseum/young widows - split
neurosis - times of grace
nora - save yourself
unsane - scattered, smothered, covered
unsane - visqueen
108 - a new beat from a dead heart
isis & aereogramme - in the fishtank
neurosis - given to the rising
neurosis - enemy of the sun
darkest hour - deliver us
shapes and sizes - split lips, winning hips, a shiner
elo - elo's greatest hits
dream theater - train of thought
dream theater - scenes from a memory
pinback - pinback

blarg

indeed.

things i am feeling right now

extreme excitement at the fact that you SHOULD be back tomorrow.
nervousness that you might NOT be back tomorrow.

i feel like i'm in a surreal state of flux and uncertainty. it doesn't seem real that as soon as tomorrow i may be standing in the airport holding you in my arms. it feels like a dream. something that can't possibly be true. that's where the uncertainty stems from. if you're not back tomorrow, it's not the end of the world to wait a few more days. we've made it this long (2 months, 1 week, 1 day), a few more days isn't the end of the world. i'm just mentally preparing myself for you NOT coming back, so i'm not all sad if it doesn't happen. trying to not get my hopes all crazy.

operation: serotonin levels

walnuts. pineapple. bananas.

need to not be a depressed wreck when you get back.

she turned me into a newt.

i'm doing much better now. just because we aren't talking every day doesn't mean she doesn't love me. i know she loves me. and i love her so much. it took a few things for me to snap out of it. 1. i needed to realize that we were talking more than most couples do. especially more than most couples that are seperated by 2 time zones and 2000 miles. 2. for some reason i needed to convince myself that she loved me. i'm not sure what did it. but something clicked, and now i know. i'm not guessing. i'm not hoping. i know. today is our 2 month anniversary. she said something last night that i found really sweet and touching, she said "the first 2 months of forever." it's little stuff like that. it's just so perfect. this has definately been hard, but i love her so much. not being obsessive is good too.

rush, man.

my trader joe's receipt yesterday came out to be $21.12.

?

what is ultimately the purpose of an online journal? do we just want to feel like we're part of some large public happening? i've spent the past 5 days keeping an offline journal. just a text file on my computer where i mark the time and date and make entries when i need it. i'm doing this because i feel it actually makes me feel better. it helps me get my emotions out in the open. sure i'm not airing it to everyone, but my 6th grade teacher put it well when she said "sometimes it just feels better to get it out." this doesn't make me feel 100% better. not even quite 50% better. but ya know what? at this point i'll take what i can get. so why am i making this post on my online journal? instead of just posting in my new offline journal? i don't know to be honest with you. does anyone even read this? i don't know. probably not, i haven't told anyone it exists. who knows?

bloody murderer

i feel like the shell of a person. empty. soulless.

i miss her.

it's been a month since she left. some days are easier than others, but i always miss her. today is not one of the easier days. my body aches for her, it needs her in proximity. i can only hope she'll be back soon, i love her so much, i need to see her. the longer she's away, the harder it gets, and the worse the missing gets. the more i ache. we're talking 100% seriously about things like marriage plans. i totally believe with all my heart that nothing would make me happier than to spend the rest of my life with her. this only makes me fall in love with her more, it only makes me miss her more. i don't know if when she gets back it will be an event of monumental proportions, or if it'll just be good, just be right. either way, as long as i can have her in my arms, i'll be happy.

seriously now!

what the fuck? oh, i should clarify, that's a good what the fuck. as in.... "what the fuck? i didn't think i could fall more in love with this girl, and then somehow she turns around and i do." sigh. i hope this never ends.

the things i think about all day.

my heart stops when i look at you.

i feel like i'm floating when i think of you.

i fall more deeply every time i hear your voice.

i would be totally lost if it weren't for you.

every night i think about kissing you goodnight, and gently touching
your face as we fall asleep in each others arms.

i get more excited every day when i think about spending the rest of
my life with you.

for the first time in my life, i feel like i'm with the most important
person in the world.

for the first time in my life, i feel like everything is really going
to be perfect.

for the first time in my life, i feel like i'm with someone who feels
the same as i do.

i want to do everything for you.

i want to do everything with you.

i have never felt this happy.

i have never felt so loving.

i have never felt so loved.

you are my true love, my soulmate.

sigh... my world.

i am 100% in love with someone. to the point where if a few hours go by without any sort of contact with her, and i start to get depressed. i don't know if that's healthy. but i can't help it. i have never felt like this before, she consumes every thought in my head, and at all times i feel like she is the conductor of my emotions. i hope she never finds out how easily she could take advantage of that. last night i made her upset, with something i said, i'm not sure exactly what it was, but i guess that doesn't exactly matter. the point being, at the moment, i am in one of those depressions. it's not uncommon that we'll go a few hours in the morning without talking, she also has this problem with her cell phone signal where she is currently. causing things like text messages to occasionally take up to 4 hours to be sent. but coupled with the fact that i know she was upset last night, it's basically destroyed me for the time being. this morning has felt like forever, and all i want to do is see her, and kiss her. i will spend the rest of my life with this girl, if it's the last thing i do... she is everything.

the day the music died

harold edwin jordan, sr. rip.

hey there delilah

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Time Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This ones for you

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.

found.

better today.

sometimes you just know someone is going to change everything.

seriously.

i'm one step away from elbowing someone in the throat. leave me the fuck alone.

what the fuck.

this has really been one hell of a week.

taking photos of text messages

what to do... what to do....

seems to be something in the air, or maybe the water, weird things are happening around here.

my new motto seems to be "when life hands you lemons, you just roll with the weirdness" because seriously, why does life have lemons, and why is it handing them to you?

i don't think i even had an old motto.

my experiment

i am going to drink a cup of coffee every morning for the month of february and see how i feel at the end. i'm going to see what effect it has on my body. i have a fairly high tolerance to caffeine. i am curious to see if the extra exposure raises my tolerance even more, or if i become more susceptible to it's effects. the last time i drank coffee regularly was in high school, so i am curious as to how the adult tolerance differs from a teenagers. at the time i stopped drinking coffee, it wasn't even a concious decision, i just stopped. and it wasn't even as though i felt i was addicted, i didn't go through any sort of withdrawl symptoms. should be interesting.

fucking sound guys

why do they all have this annoying tendency to point out the gear you have? "whoa, rickenbaker bass, sweet!"... "nice, deluxe memory man, wow, you've got 2 of them!"... "sweet, vox." it's like they're begging for you to acknowledge that they're cool because they work in a recording studio AND know about gear. i know what i have, you don't have to point out to me that you know what i have as well. even if you didn't, everything is clearly labeled.

updates.

so we went on tour. it was grand. we came back from tour, that was okay, good to be home, but a little sad because tour is so awesome. we've started recording "album b". i don't particularly love being in the studio, the whole process gets a little tedious to me. but i feel like we're being very productive this time. we're all working together, instead of one of us taking the reigns. and it feels good to all kinda taking on the producer role. and working with our friend behind the board gives us the opportunity to really experiment with what we need to experiment with, try out different stuff without worrying about running up the clock.